Bus stop is the best place to understand a parent’s mind. Someone who has woken up at 6 in the morning to prepare meals, get ready the children and drop them off at the stop where he/she is actually catching a breath to carry on with the routine which awaits for him/her at home and office. If the child is little rowdy – a silent scolding away from the glare of the other companions, if he is running too much – warning to stay on the side and if they all are ganging up and howling too much – all mothers form a team too picking up their players and asking them to mellow down.
In those five to ten minutes, you find streaks of patience, aggression and sometimes over the top reactions. And you wonder what proportions they escalate to in the secure confines of the home when no one is watching. I heard a mother mentioning that the moment she landed on the Indian airport, she gave a five finger present to her son on his face. The son is about 6 years of age and apparently they lived in US for those initial six years. On prodding further she said, “Our children (she meant Indian) can’t be tamed without beating. There (in US), parents use all those time-outs and fancy stuff. And their children understand that. I won’t think twice before hitting him again at least when I am in India.”
That is what Indian soil does to Indian parents.
It doesn’t mean that I have never touched my child. After all, I have also been brought up with the thinking that hitting your blood and bone is fine. I think deep down we all believe that it is ok to give one slap on and off when the child is not listening or behaving not in line with our thoughts.
This is the scenario that we see on regular basis. Teachers don’t refrain from pulling ears and go ahead with occasional taps with the ruler, parents find their patience fly out of the window and they calm themselves with a quick slap on the tiny face of the child. A mechanism to calm down and sometimes to satisfy the ego? And then there are extremes when a child is hit, scolded and reprimanded daily for one thing or the other and then it turns into deep cuts, bruises and mysterious falls from the stairs. How often as witnesses we stand up and tell the parents to back off? We usually don’t.
And how often we tell ourselves to back off?
If we have stringent rules like in US and Norway where hitting a child is crime and they are taken away by social services department to give them a better future, can they work?
A law is already in place where teachers cannot hit the child but as far as I know even the high end schools have routine of ruler bashing and ear pulling. And they get away with it. One- the vigilance is not strict enough, two – parents despite knowing that this is happening keep mum.
It stems from a common problem – general disregard for other’s rights and law. And children as always have been considered the property of parents.
The recent cases in Norway about Indian couples threatening and abusing children have highlighted it even more. The parents pleaded ‘cultural differences and Indian values’ which made me even more enraged. Do Indian values teach hitting the child with belt and giving him burns on the body? Does Indian culture teach to neglect the behavioral issues that the child might be facing (apparent in both cases)? How long will we keep pushing things under the carpet in the name of values?
I wonder what will happen if such a law is brought under the gambit of Indian judicial system. First there will be uproar because there are many people who tenaciously want to protect their right to hit children and will never understand what is wrong with it. More than law, its stricter implementation is the key. There is no way to monitor what happens with the child behind the brick and mortar and the neighbors usually don’t care. It will require perfect co-ordination between school, child care authorities, police and neighbors. And it can’t happen without a little dose of humanity and respect for individuality.
Wishful thinking, isn’t it!
For now, how about tying our hands with our tongues, shall we?
First of all, when someone goes abroad they should take some time to learn all the rules/regulations of that nation. They should also know rules/regulations are implemented strictly, in many countries. And then, they should stop doing things that they were casually doing back in India, and considered offensive in their new host nation.
Hitting kids is perhaps the oldest/most outdated technique to discipline children. There are a lot more *socially acceptable* ways to achieve the same thing. With the changing times, we need to discard/change our outdated actions as well.
Destination Infinity
I agree DI but these outdated actions are deep rooted. And people are not readily agreeing to change.
Jas,
A lot of schools are shunning this habit of hitting children. The school in which my wife teaches, for one, prohibits teachers from doing so. There are serious repurcussions in case that happens. That is another story that the said school fails in other counts of child development but let’s not go there.
If we have laws against hitting children and we allow them to call something similar to 911 on being slapped, 95% of our country will be behind bars. And it’s not just children, we love hitting people who do not agree with us. That is the only way we debate.
Yes there are Amit but to what extent it is followed is something I an still not convinced about. My son’s school is also one of them but I have seen the teacher pulling ears of smaller kids, the kids who usually don’t go home and complain.
Oh yes, may be more than 95%. Hitting is the favorite activity all around.
yes, jas, we need to learn better ways of disciplining the kids.. even if we dont want to hit the child, there would be others in the family who would do it..
.. thats is another sad state in out country..
Can totally understand what you mean AM. The elders in the family still resort to these things and in a way encourage us to follow the same path too.
I have somehow been very clear on this that there would be no beatings!! Thankfully hubby agrees with my school of thought!! Not that there have not been moments when I wanted to hit him but I restrained myself.
But I am amazed by what u have said about ur fren!!!
I hope times change!!
I wish wouldn’t have to wait for a law to understand that hitting your kids is just not the solution.
I was amazed too Smita and felt eery about the whole thing. If the stay in a country where these things are illegal hasn’t changed the point of view, what will.
I try and control myself as much as possible. Not that i am completely immune to anger and frustration,. I just leave him be for few mins and the anger just subsides a bit.
I am glad to hear that you follow this school of thought. I think it is better if we all do.
Hey, Jas! again a very relevant topic. Hmmm….It is not that I havn’t hit my daughter at all. yes I have and then kept regretting and crying for hours together at my own rash behaviour. Present generation is way smarter and outspoken and never shy from make you feel guilty (covering their own reason for getting that spank). I promised my self long back that I wouldn’t hit her and not let my anger get better of me. But that doesn’t go well with older generation who think that by not picking the rod, we are spoiling the child. I am under constant criticism for not cutting her to her size. and letting her go out of hands…The situation is going to get worse with time. But at the end of the day I am responsible for my child and I know what is best for her. Hitting is certainly not.
Thanks Meenakshi. I can understand. we have also heard our share of comments but we need to persist and the with time, I think their thinking will also change.
Jas, I wanted to write on this exact topic and I am so glad that you raised your voice. The truth is that slapping, hitting, yelling and insulting the kids is commonplace in our cultural ethos. I have also raised my hand on my kids, but I know it is my failing more than anything else. In our highly stressed lives, it is easy to hit out at a child who is basically powerless to hit back than to bring about the long-winded process of behavioural change. As Amit has pointed out above, it is not only kids but the powerless who get beaten including many mothers.
And, it is only upto our generation of mothers to bring an end to this. Also, I must point out that even in my kids’ school, corporal punishment is banned. And the couple of times, I found a teacher hitting, I reported it and swift action was taken against them. So, things again are changing, but sadly our mindsets are hardly changing. My parents hardly ever hit us or raised their voices, so it is even more difficult for me to gulp this behavior, but I have seen this common place in most families
. It truly is a terrible trait in Indian parenting. And, I don’t see it going away anytime soon.
So we are thinking on the same lines as well
It is hard to accept but you have so warmly put it forward by saying ” it is my failing more than anything else.”
Ya they do act on complaints but what I am trying to say is even ban is unable to change that ingrained habit of picking up a stick and lash.
This is indeed common place in many families and the biggest problem is they don’t even think that it is a problem.
So true! They think you are being too soft or spoiling your child if you don’t raise your hand
. How does one even get across to such people? It is shameful that we try to justify this behavior as Indian culture. If anything, we must be ashamed of ourselves.
We should be. We cannot get through these people, probably only time can.
I and my sister were both brought up, without my parents handling us physically. Atleast I remember my mom giving us occasional spanks (of which I dont even remember clearly now) but my dad has never touched us. He would at the most raise his voice when he is angry with us. Somehow, this behavior is rooted deep in me that I would definitely not handle my kid by beating. If you cant treat your own kid like a respectful human being, then there is no point in giving life to that person. I strongly oppose it and sometimes even feel like interrupting when someone is beating his/her own child. I cant just stand the thought of it. There is nothing more hurting than injuring the ego of a little person. As you said.. we are not respecting the rights of our children. If such laws come in India, every other parent would end up being in a court only.
The whole judicial system will stop working and will be busy handling the crowd. Probably the logistics is what is preventing this law to be introduced
Yes GB, the idea is to make the child understand and that never ever happens through spanking. The only thing that happens is more rigidity and rebelliousness.
Me and my brother were never spanked. Both of us have grown up to be very patient and tolerant people who rarely get angry.
I don’t have children so I have no right to point out how parenting should be done. But I do believe that actions speak louder than words and so, how our children grow up to be is the reflection of our behaviour towards them. If they see slapping is a norm, they will grow into violent people. Of course the degree differs.
Therefore, kids should never be beaten. Never.
I agree. Kids mirror what they see and that is why this trend is continuing. I myself find it difficult to restrain myself but the good thing is it is not impossible.
Thanks Nisha.
if go to other countries follow their rules and if dont follow go to jail is simple mantra
ignorance of law does not work as defense.
One should remember every country is not like India where there is chalta hai attitude
This chalta hai is getting very heavy to carry forward. I hope the shoulders slump and it falls down so that we are able to stand straight again.
Thanks sm
Times have changed. There used to be a time when parents used to spank kids when the kids misbehaved or did something wrong. That used to instil fear in the young minds and so they were careful about not repeating the mistake.
These days, kids are far more aware as compared to the kids of older times. Talking and explaining stuff correctly is the key, hitting them is not at all necessary. In the extreme, just raise voice. But I have also seen cases where a good spank on a really stubborn child has worked, as opposed to talking
Every country has their own set of laws. One cannot contest on the basis of cultural leanings and stuff.
That’s the irony Visha. times have really substantially changed. Parents still think it is ok and it is very much admissible.
Well I don’t know if it works for anyone but in general it causes more rigidity in the attitudes and more cautiousness in talking to parents as well which is certainly not what you want when the kids are in growing age.
Corporal punishment is perhaps the most counter-productive form of disciplining ever. I remember doing a feature on this and the psychiatrist I had interviewed for that had said that when a child is hit, he or she is absolved of the wrong doing. ‘I did something wrong, so you have hit me and we are quits. I am free to do it again and face the same thing,’ is the unspoken thought in the child;s mind. I have heard about Eastern parents waiting to get home to spank their kids too. It is perhaps more of a ego boost for them than a punishment for the kids. Sad state of affairs. And we know what happens in schools even with laws against corporal punishment well in place, don’t we?
That’s exactly what happens Zephyr. When initially I couldn’t control my hand, I saw my son getting more and more stubborn. With patience and right ways to handle him other than beating, he has become more calmer.
Oh yes, schools just say they follow it but I seriously doubt that.
Jas, children are raped within the family – in many cases, the perpetrator is usually an uncle or a blood relative. If we do not have laws that frighten these criminals, spanking is a very small matter.
India is very popular in only in one way: we behold our values as if our lives depends on them. These values are the root cause of various social stigmas, especially, of divorces, widows and of rape victims. No matter how much the times change, there are people – very real – for I tell you from experience, who follow and inflict these stigmas on others.
Beating, is very very tame, in the sense that, to them, it won’t be a big deal. To thinkers like you and me, yes, it is. It definitely is.
I am against reprimanding too – especially when it is done in public… becoz that leaves the scars of shame in the child’s mind.. such children grow up with issues. But then, again.. this is also insignificant na…
Andher hai.
The values entirely are not bad Punam, the way they are interpreted is. People just use the term ‘values’ very loosely and try to include every wrong doing under that blanket.
Reprimanding is no good anywhere whether in public or at home. Not necessarily they grow up to have issues but they do turn out to be more temperamental.
I was flicking through some channels yesterday and heard this on a indian channel some news channel about the incident with parents in norway, I know people in india had made a lot of hue and cry over something similar earlier too.. BUT that is the law of the country ..
and I was enraged too hearing the newsreader Read the news in a way portraying as if the parents were GODS, they did nothing wrong, the norway Govt was overdoing it , then came a Doctor in india who was giving his expert view.. I mean how can he give the view when he has not met the child sitting so far away from the country..
Punishment – hitting etc is not right BUT then I also think it might be necessary too sometimes , I have been beaten by my teachers etc , and it has not done any harm , for yearssss corporal punishment has been happening .. I THINK , its the so called DO GOODERS also who have done more harm ..
YES we shud not beat a kid, It is illegal 100% with that … there are views on everything ..
It is the same thing as if I am running after someone , and have to catch them , you know if I end up in a fight I have to keep in mind the number of blows I MAKE .. not TAKE .. the ycan hit me as many times as they want BUT I have to keep a count and then have to Show or Prove that the number of blows that i made were necessary ..
anyway i went on a tangent
sorry
BUT the point i am making is in todays time the bad people can DO what they want to and their is no FEAR in them .. but the good has to think.. same way I was afraid of my parents and teachers , I dont say they did not love me , when i did good I was awarded and what not .. but when bad I was told about it tooo
and beleive me it has not done any harm to me , I know my place …
we have seen what kids get up to these days and that too majority of them.. so something is obviously wrong somewhere ..
Glad to have a loooooonnnng comment from you Bikram.
See when we were kids, we were spanked and we turned out all right, all of us. Spanking does not turn anyone bad or make them have issues later in life, it just makes them more rebellious and intolerant too.
Most of the time kids think, ‘okay the most you can do is hit me… go ahead do that…’ and that is not the right attitude.
As Mr. KP said, there are many other ways to let the child know his limits, spanking is not the solution.
And today’s generation has far more exposure than us, they need reasoning, logic behind the things and not just a slap to make them obey.
Spanking is no way a solution. And this was totally a case of child abuse. The child had been beaten by belt. I do not know why in our country we have grown up to seeing hitting and slapping as solution to everything.
Also very rightly said by DI when you travel to a country, be aware of the rules n regulations.
I have been in Oslo for 20 days and I know they have very stringent rules and laws.. I wish we could adopt some of the things from the better countries. But in a country like ours where a guy has no shy in beating his wife, how can we expect all this.
It is gone deep into our roots and even in our generation people are not ready to explain things to children. Rather hitting is an easy option. I said it in the post and I say it now as well, it is not that I have never hit my kid, but the more patiently I behave with him, the more he is ready to except my point of view.
Thanks M
I never saw spanking as a solution purely coz after some time you know the attitude becomes like ok…whats the worse thing they can do…beat me. The child becomes unaffected by it then. Moreover what is the point we try to prove here by beating someone who is not only physically weaker than you but even mentally is not as matured as you… I always believed words have the much needed power of convincing and winning someone with love. And nothing can beat that!
Well your view is little idealistic if I may say so
but yes, getting into the habit of slapping a kid even at the slightest provocation is something that is hugely followed everywhere and that is a menace.
”kuttikale thalli thane valarthanam” (children should be brought up with beatings) is a saying in our place. Hitting and disciplining is what Indian parents believe in. If they find any person misbehaving they say “thalli valarthadathinte doshamann” (it is the fault of parents who brought up the kids without hitting). I and my siblings got our shares of spankings too. We do not hate our parents for that, because we knew they loved us and it was clear that they were pained more when they spanked us. My father though is basically a short tempered person, showed much patience with us and he raised hands only when one of us drove him nuts. They spanked us but never the less showered their love too.
But of course, I do not intend to bring up my child with spankings. Its time to change this parenting trait.
My parents too did that to me and I also sometimes get driven to the wall and I retaliate but over time I have learned that it serves no purpose except just venting out the anger and harassment. Child is again at the same point.
I have used time outs with him, removing him from his favorite activities, bringing him home as soon as tantrums start so that he learns and he does, though not always.
It is time we wake up to new and better ways of parenting rather than making our children follow us due to fear.
I am glad my parents never touched me while I was growing up!
You should be Archana and I hope you turned out fine
Now that i can’t say.
When I was a chit, I was very mischievous and naughty.My mom used to run behind me shouting and beat.Most often I would run away and escape.Her beatings were never a deterrent as she would have forgotten after an hour.But my dad seldom raised his voice.His frown on his red face was enough to scare me to obedience.The message is that one need not be violent in disciplining kids.Raising voices and hands lose their usefulness.Parents should refuse to talk or play or allow the kids to go out if they misbehave.Sit-outs is no foreign gimmick.It is very useful.
The moms in our country should peremptorily discard all age-old notions of punishing.The parents should be examples by not shouting at each other in the presence of kids.Gentle but firm approach is the key to good parenting
Very well put Mr. KP
I agree sitouts or time outs are not at all a foreign gimmick and over time I have made my son understand the right meaning of it as well. I wish I had been an informed mother right from the beginning .I admit I wasn’t. It is only in the last 2 years, I have started making changes to the style and it works.
Been there, done that. I don’t agree beating is one of the values in our culture, rather it is a cultural habit that has been imbibed in us for generations together. I agree to all that you said. Kids need to be respected. Hitting is abuse etc…etc..But in real world, how ever patient the parents try to be, these kids drive you up the wall. And I don’t think that is a failing on our part when he lift our hand on them. Many a times, kids just go out of control.
I have seen what that lady told too. Indian kids, I have seen dozens of them here..only some kids listen. 90% of them they throw tantrums and are out of control. I also feel it is because of our bringing up system. As infants and kids, we let them sleep with us till they are big enough. We feed their meals. where as the Americans, they let the baby sleep separately from day one. He/she is given to eat their own food. We pamper them more than needed. Many may disagree to me, but that’s just my opinion. I feel all this adds up to the discipline factor.
I go MAD when my son rebels, we are over with the hitting factor now. Because, there is ABSOLUTELY NOTHING that’s going to change in him, except once or twice and that change is just temporary. My mom disciplines the typical Indian way and many times I keep telling her, Mom, it’s not like the way you did to us, keep your voice down. These kids won’t care you after a while.
I agree that parents who abuse the child really bad like getting cuts and bruises need to be punished. But not for every damn silly thing. Like you pee in your pants, monster is going to come and take you. That’s just stupid.
And hitting in schools…sigh!! I remember our principal would have a cane tapping at his back all the time and he would walk as softly as a snake and would lash one from the window whoever is talking or not paying attention to the class. I don’t say that he did right or wrong, as people around here many not like it. But all I can say is, whoever student has studied in that school when he was the principal, is in a great shape today and though he left the school about good long 18 yrs back, the school stills boasts its today’s shape because of him.
There are hundreds of kids who do their home work correctly or pack their homework without forgetting just for the factor that the teacher might beat him. We don’t have such a system in the US right, I can see my son clearly forgetting to pack his stuff if I don’t remind him or even I do…OMG!! I’ll stop here, Jas…I almost wrote a post..err…sorry..
No Latha, it is a failing on our part to unable to control pour anger and frustration. Usually when we hit a child, it is often due to stress and frustration. I agree that we are often driven up the wall but I have seen many parents hitting at the slightest provocation and that is wrong. If you end up hitting your child 4 times a week, you are not teaching your child anything but making him or her rebellious.
Sleeping together, I don’t know how it impacts but yes feeding even when they are big enough to eat, doing everything for them even when they are capable of handling it is quite wrong with our system and yes if from the beginning we follow a certain style, it is easier to control them.
Very well said about your mom. These kids are definitely not going to care after a while so the approach has to be patient. I am not saying I never hit my child but many times I restrain myself and immediately think, is there other way too? I take a break from him, go away for few mins and then come back and handle him. It works for me. I am just telling you my experience.
Creating a fear to discipline and hitting at the drop of hat is totally different. Sometimes even the look of the eye is enough to make children obey.
And I love looooonnnnnng comments so no worries
Perhaps for every slap an adult gives, they should think of giving themselves one, if only to realise a slap hurts. It is easy to mouth ancient wisdom like, spare the rod and spoil the child or to harp on old values, tradition, etc. and very hard to change one’s own behaviour.
In the US and Norway they make these rules but I feel where they fail is not training their teachers to replace hitting with other management skills and strategies. Kids are wild, undisciplined, wily, cheeky and lovable but they shouldn’t grow up disrespecting the rights of others.
Great post, Jas.
Thanks KayEm
Yes, they shouldn’t. But we can certainly imbibe the respect for individuality from foreign countries. It is hard to change one’s own behavior and it is an uphill task but it is not impossible.
Hi Jas! I just wanted to correct what I think may be a misconception. It is not correct that in the US, parents do not hit their kids. In fact, we have friends from the mid-west who have stated that sometimes, what the kid deserves is a good wallop. There is a difference between a concerned parent slapping a child who will not listen to reason and an abusive one who, as you mention, hits a child to draw blood, or fractures his bones or something equally heinous. The US law protects against such abuse, but no police is going to come into your house and check in case you have slapped your child!
I have slapped my older son 2-3 times in his 8 years when he was being extremely rude and I was out of my patience. I went back and explained to him what it was that had driven me to that desperate act and hopefully, our relationship has not suffered as a result. I dislike the idea of slapping as a routine. It will either subdue the child completely or make him/her rebellious. I dislike abject obedience in a child, so maybe that is why I do not favor that parenting style at all!
Very rightly pointed out Rosh. 2-3 times a year and 50 times a year, marked difference. Here there is no logic behind hitting, most of the times and that according to me is abuse too. Emotional abuse. Abject obedience is what we sought here and that stems from having your child under control all the time.
I have seen parents hitting at minor things – homework not done * slap*, didn’t get up when told to * slap* and that is the problem. There is no fracture, no bruises visible but the psyche is getting bruised, isn’t it!
I agree, it is more about wanting to be in control and knowing that the other cannot retaliate! It is a sad situation when you cannot think of having a real relationship with your child; one that you can enjoy if you just stop and listen and talk to him/her.
Just also wanted to let you know that I wrote this post today in appreciation of my readers and commentors: http://www.bigaandlittlea.com/2012/12/top-commentors.html. Do come over and check it out!
Ya that is what is missing. Parents, here, mostly do not think of having a relationship with their child. It almost feels that only blood is holding them closer.
I read your post and thanks so much Rosh
I love that you ventured to touch on a very controversial topic. I think sometimes people want to speak about certain things but are afraid to touch on it. Good for you. I think this whole topic is one where boundaries need set in parenting so it doesn’t lead to abuse.
Thanks Irish.
Glad to have you here. Yes, parents need to realize that it is not always what they think is right is actually right. Very important to realize the limits.
Well said Jas. I don’t have a child yet so its easy for me to stand up all high and mighty and say that any kind of physical force is bad and that I would never do it. I have no idea how good or bad a parent I would be, though I do hope that it never comes down to that! That’s of course saying that my child would be the perfect kid and I would never have to use any kind of force (verbal or physical) which is too high an expectation, because they would be after all children. Kids are human too. And so are their parents who do have a thousand other things to do and worries on their mind. Not that it justifies it. But yeah, I don’t know if there’s a black and white here or simply shades of gray. But just like you, what really irks me is when they justify the ‘punishment’ meted out naming culture as an excuse. Really? How bad is that! How can one simply use culture as the reason for burning/spanking? I have known of parents too who joke around saying they’re just going to cross the Atlantic ocean and then start reigning blows on their child within the aircraft itself. They might say it aloud meaning it as a joke, but to me that sounds stupid! End of the day, it all boils down to human rights.
There is no black and white Deepa in parenting and there is no one right way as well but when spanking becomes a habit, the the life of child gets completely topsy turvy.
And yes, culture is never an excuse to justify the hitting.
Thanks Deepa
personally i dont like spanking, …I slapped my children once or twice only and regretted that even..and my children have turned out most well behaved ones in all respect..
So very glad to hear that Renu. It is a menace when it escalates to the level of no stopping and parents often do not realize when the guilt just suppresses and venting out frustration becomes primary.
Hi Jas
The worst case is when the child receives a beating for no fault of his, when stress due to other things are shown on the child….That is so very common in our country….And talk about schools!
This is Jaish and the saddest thing too. It mars the spirit of children.
Schools.. that would make for another post
@Jaish, That is what angers me the most, people taking out their stress on children.
There are so many aspects to this Jas, the first premise you started with – we as parents tend to (and v. wrongly) transfer our frustrations and anxieties to the kid and lash out at smallest of provocation. I can’t say I haven’t slapped my kids, but I realize it takes us nowhere, neither me nor them. They have to be talked to. I think even continuously nagging your kids, reprimanding them for small stuff, putting them down in front of others is a form of emotional abuse, which can affect their self-esteem and have terrible backlashes.
Here too parents hit kids, a tap on the knuckles, a down-time, a slap on the bum, before it can get worse, but there seems to be some form of emotional control here so much so that kids once they are 18 or so and have left parental homes really start living their own life on their own terms. This I could attribute to the culture, family ties etc.
Oh sure they do. You have made all the right points. I think the thing we lack is probably emotional control or may be to keep things under our thumb all the time. There are still many parents in our generation that feel the kids should never talk back.
I was never hit by my parents and I never touched my son. The words, eye contact and body language were enough to discipline us. Howsoever anxious or angry or irritated we are, there is no justification of venting frustrations on the child.
What happened in Norway was a extreme case. But we need tougher laws back home.
Very well articulated Jas.
Thanks Alka
I am glad to hear about a parent who has never touched her child. Very true, there is no justification for venting out our anger on the child.
Sensitization is extremely important.
I had no idea rulers were still used over there, Jas! It’s all totally illegal here, and court cases result from such abuse.
when children are hit or reprimanded, they wait for a favourable situation to repeat the same, and once they grow up, things can turn really ugly.
these rules can never be implemented in India.
in India, people commit heinous crimes in the name of culture whereas i wonder how many of us actually know the definition of culture.
very nice post!
It’s a very sensitive topic, Jas and you’ve handled it brilliantly. Not being a Mom, I’ve watched my brothers kids growing up with an occasional whack across the bottom – something like Roshini mentioned – with no adverse effects. However, having been a bed wetter as a child I shudder to think what might have happened to me if my parents thought it was necessary to whack me for every such episode. We grew up with respect for our parents and not because they raised their hands. What surprises me is the support that these parents are getting here.
Occasional whack is something we all have grown up with but when it becomes a habit, then all the hell break loose.
Thanks Corinne
A very well written post Jas! I feel its the lack of awareness in parents part that makes spanking and hitting so common in India. I feel when parents are aware of different ways to discipline their kids we do not even need laws to prohibit. I am not in favor of enforcing new laws because they are hardly ever followed in India. We already of thousands which we do not bother about. So, my point is rather than spanking parents should come up with different ways to raise kids in a better manner, after all isn’t growing up a kid a responsibility too?
There are different ways, the parents should be that open minded to adopt them. A big responsibility which we think can be handled best with whip
Ok, this topic.
Beautifully conveyed, J.
I have a story for this. Long long ago, there lived a man, a man of rigid principles, a man orthodox by nature, and a man of discipline. Now there was a tradition at his place. Every year he would organize a sacred fire, a ritual to appease the Gods. And there would be a whole lot of chanting and worshipping. Obviously the place of this ritual would be filled with articles of worship. And we know how each and every article has a significance of its own. And priests rarely want anything disturbed once these articles were in place near the fire. The family owned a pet, a cat. And this particular cat would go crazy seeing all these articles in front of it, and wanted to play with it all. And it did that once, upsetting the cart. Needless to say, the priests had to start all over again, and the head of the family was livid. He ordered the cat be tied every time they conducted the ritual.
This man had a son. And he’d grown up watching the ritual every year. And the cat tied. By the time he grew up and continued his father’s tradition, he had no clue why his father would tie a cat as a part of the ritual. But he’d seen it happen and didn’t want his father’s soul to frown from the heavens above.
So, now he, as the head of the family, continued the tradition, with one small addition. Tying up of a cat, much to the amusement of all around. And mind you, he didn’t even have a pet cat. He’d have one brought just for the occasion. Simply because he had seen a bound cat during the ritual.
Spanking our kids is akin to this. There was a time when we (and the generations before us), as kids, had only our parents to fall back on for everything outside of school. General knowledge, discipline, concentration. Everything. There was no TV, no special classes, no music and horse-riding classes etc, and methods of schooling were just that. Old school (excuse the pun please). But today, it isn’t like that. In this age of technology, the window to the world has grown bigger. Kids don’t just depend on parents for information. In fact, parents have to a certain extent, stepped back to give way to a whole new world of knowledge, which is at our finger tips. Any project, or homework to be done- oh, there’s the internet. Want a picture of a water plant? Print it off google images. And this is just one example. The influences our kids have from the external world has grown much bigger than that. Needless to say, they no longer have blinkers on them like we used to. And the media influence? Let’s not even go there.
Anyway, the point I’m trying to make here is – our kids are growing up faster than we ever did. They’re being exposed to everything years ahead of us, when we were kids. But unfortunately, the average intelligence of a kid, or the speed at which a kid can learn and absorb this knowledge assault, is still the same. Nature doesn’t care for technology. It does its job at the same speed. But it is us, parents, who’ve to realize that and teach our kids how to get on or off a running bus, if you know what I mean. We can’t push them off it. We need to run along. Because kids are getting numb because of this speed. They end up becoming more knowledgeable, but don’t know how to handle it. It could get messy.
When our parents spanked us, the message to us was this – “we’re your parents. Listen to us. Discipline yourself. This is the only way there is. Where else will you go?” And believe me, they were usually right. And we had thicker skins, and lesser influences. So we got by.
But when we spank our kids, the message we give to our kids is this – “I don’t care if you are a 21st century kid. I don’t care if there is a better way to make you understand, I know there is, but I don’t care. You’re just an over-exposed kid, trying to adapt yourself to the rapid changes around you, but I seriously don’t care. I just want you to listen. Because I’m your parent. And you can learn discipline only like this. Because I learnt it this way.”
And believe me, nothing could be further from the truth here. Because deep down we know our kids are smarter, more sensitive. They understand if we make them understand. They have it in them. We know it. But still, we spank them. Know why?
Because we just want to tie the cat.
You have said it in much better words Sri. I couldn’t do it that well in the post. You nailed it. We are trying to tie the cat and don’t even want to understand the reason and even pass on.
I don’t know how many of us can actually understand the context and then implement it. Spanking certainly has a ritualistic impact on it where “my parents did this to me and now I will also do that.”
Thanks Sri
True, more than taming the child, that has become a way to satisfy our ego. There are better ways to discipline a child. As a parent they should be patient in handling the child, else it might affect the child mentally.
The biggest obstacle for those who want to follow the new systems (like time out etc) is the immediate family. Imagine I want to give time out to my child, or ask him to sit in a corner chair, immediately the grandparents/neighbors/sundry uncles and aunts/household helpers et al will swoop down with “Awww poor child! Look how cute he/she looks. Mummy is punishing you? Don’t speak to her! Shall we beat Mummy?”
I have lashed out against interfering busybodies of this type. Neither will they do their own upbringing well enough, nor will they let you follow your heart and do a good job.
I agree Shail and I have experienced that. They actually make the task much more difficult. I make my son sit in the corner, a punishment corner, and slowly he has started understanding the concept. Needless to say all that goes in the bin when extended family visits